Cry Baby

I sit on the toilet and just cry.  I hurt.  My butt hurts.  It feels like I am pooping napalm out my ass.  It burns.  I'm fortunate to have my bathroom sink right in front of the toilet so I can put my head down on it.  I'm so tired I feel like I might fall off the toilet.  I'm so weak I'd have to stay on the floor until someone noticed I was missing.  I feel like an invalid.  No energy, no happiness, no food because everything makes me poop.  I've lost a ton of weight (not complaining) but all I do is poop.  I can drink a glass of water and it makes me poop.  Dehydration is the new black I think.  I swear I don't know how these supermodels do it.  I honestly feel like I'm slowly dying. For real.

So I cry. I cry a lot any more.  I'm feeling quite sorry for myself and the life I am forced to live.  I can't go anywhere without having to poop.  I am barely working because I feel so bad.  I can't enjoy anything anymore.  I am considering going on disability but I know that will be a huge long process of applying and being denied several million times.  We have bills piling up to the ceiling and no way to pay them.  I really do hate life right now.

This is a brutally honest account of what it has been like for me the past several months.  I went to the hospital last Friday because I was so dehydrated and in pain and couldn't stop pooping.  Until they needed a stool sample and they kept me in the ER waiting for six hours.... I didn't go once.  Not once!  So they sent me home.  I barely made it before I had to go.  I hate this disease.  I hate everything it has done to my body and my spirit.  Right now, my symptoms are winning and I don't have the strength to fight anymore.  The doctors just look at me and shake their heads in either confusion or frustration.  No one can help me.  I just have to be this way.  So I cry. Please just pass me the tissues.